Quote of the Week

Our next door neighbor, who sold us every appliance that she owns, was speaking to Ryan sometime last week. She was quite puzzled.

"Is that dryer I sold to you still working? Because I saw that you guys were hanging your clothes up outside."

"Yes,but," said Ryan, "we try to use the line whenever we can use the suns energy."

"Oh," she laughed, "that’s right, you guys care about energy and the environment and stuff."

Greenhouse of Shame or Fame

It is no surprise that I have been making fun of my husband's attempts at greenhouses. The first was hideous and not very functional. I felt shame every time I looked at it because I actually allowed that atrocity to be built in my front yard. Stupid. It was white trash meets a landfill in my front yard. I hated it because it was not cute, regardless of how much food it produced.
Ryan's second attempt at a greenhouse was much better, although I still made fun of him. The man actually made plans for the thing using his engineering program, Autocad. I think this showcases his nerdery. This new greenhouse not only looks prettier but it actually works and has produced a lot of our produce during the winter months. Currently we are growing snap peas, basil, celery, lettuce, strawberries, tomatoes, bells, pole beans, and a few other green plants I can't remember. Needless, to say I'm pretty happy about this one, but I try not to mention it too much because then Ryan would get a big head to go with his green thumb.

Now, now it may be the cause of some fame to our little gardening oasis. We received a call from a woman who writes for Phoenix Home and Garden. She wants to tour our garden with an emphasis on our greenhouse. She is putting together a piece on how ordinary families with ordinary homes are getting back to the basics to provide for their families in hard times. It seems a bit silly to us since we have been gardening since we purchased the home in 2002, but whatever. We'll take what we can get. She is scheduled to visit our humble abode this Friday. I thought Ryan would be frantic with weeding and sprucing things up but it looks like the plan is to go as is; au natural.

My mother in law, Becky, initially warned us that we might be receiving a call. I laughed and figured it would never happen. Apparently my father in law gave away some berry plants to a client who knows this writer's husband. She was impressed that someone was growing berry plants and visited their garden. While there, Becky informed her that her son had built his own greenhouse and was having great success with it. So, here we are today...just a simple family, gardening to provide for ourselves, and BAM!, the next thing you know, we are on the cover of Phoenix Home and Garden. That would be so cool. Perhaps my nerdy engineering boy will have his fifteen minutes of fame next to the likes of his hero, Dave the Garden Guy. Wish us luck!

Can you See the Box?

On Saturday evening our heater broke. Ryan pulled out the fuses and thought that that was our problem since our unit is brand new. He left the fuse out for me so that I could stop by the store on Monday to have it checked. No problem. But, by Sunday evening Ryan had alternate plans. This is how our conversation went down.

Ryan: I've been thinking about how to keep our house warm.

Me: If it involves anything other than calling our heater guy and getting him to fix our heater, I don't want to hear this.

Ryan: Laughing. There were these people that were protesting oil drilling. They bought big oil drums and painted them black. They filled them with water and put them on their fences. It ended up heating their whole house.

Me: So, you want to buy oil drums, paint them black, fill them with water and put them on our fence? Yeah, that'll look good. This is ridiculous, Ryan!

Ryan: No, I have an idea of something that I can make in the yard to keep the house warm.

Me: Laughing. We can keep our house warm by fixing the heater. You know, Ryan, some people use the phrase thinking outside of the box when someone has a good idea. But can you see the box Ryan? Where is the box? You are so far away from the box that you cannot see it? I want you to keep a finger on the box at all times.

Retarded absolutely retarded. Just get the heater fixed! Now, I know that you are probably disappointed that you will not see his white trash invention come to fruition, but I think you can handle it. There's only enough room for a few white trash ideas around these parts.

When retelling this tale to Ryan's family I've also coined a name for my stand up comedy routine wherein I am Becky's opening act, my portion of the gig is called, "White Trash Genius"! I think I'll be rakin' in the dough!

Chicken Noodle Soup, Chicken Noodle Soup

Yesterday I slaved over frozen chicken and crock pot. I de-boned and shredded my chicken late in the night so as to prepare a hearty soup for the next day. Today I enlisted help to make said hearty soup. Justin donned his apron and chef's hat and got to mixing dough, cutting carrots, and rolling out noodles. The soup was bubbling and smelling delicious. I ladled out a portion to bring to another family and thought for a minute, Geez, I hope that's enough. It didn't seem to have a much volume as I had hoped. I delivered the meal and returned home to the yummy smell of my homemade chicken noodle soup.

My family sat down to our glorious meal, blessed the food and began to partake. Hmmm. That's funny, I thought, it needs a bit more flavor. As I made my way to the chicken bouillon, I began to laugh hysterically as I realized why my soup was so bland. NO CHICKEN! I made chicken noodle soup with no chicken. I.could.not.stop.laughing. I quickly called up my friend to apologize profusely for being a wicked moron and forgetting the chicken, of all things, in the chicken noodle soup. I feel so embarrassed and mortified. It was too late to bring her some chicken as they had an activity to attend. But, luckily for us we had lots of chicken to add to our yummy chicken noodle soup. Pa ha!

A's Quote of the Day

"I just, I want, I want to be one of those people that can make stuff," stumbled April to her vastly more intelligent husband who winced as she uttered these incoherent words to him while trying to explain her desire to bake, grind her own grains, and prepare cereals on her own from scratch like Grandmothers used to in the olden days when their sole responsibilities were in the kitchen.

See, the stupidity is already infecting my verbalizing skills. Damn choices!

Do Choices Make Us Stupid?

I've been surveying different Frys lately in an attempt to side step my three grocery store visits a week to get one item here and another here or here. It's irritating. Apparently, if you shop at a Frys that is not ghetto, but is in the ghetto, then you actually can get a really good selection of food. Well Bravo!

Anyhoo-da-lilly, I was at Frys in the ghetto (not to be confused with ghetto Frys or ghetto Frys that used to be Smiths that used to be Smitty's (Oh my! I have lived here too long!)) and I was purchasing some items that I needed to make dinner that night. On my list was Monterey Jack cheese for my scrumptious green chile chicken enchiladas. I made my way down the refrigerated dairy aisle and began to glance at the cheese. I eyed each hanging row of cheesy goodness like a word search trying to peep out my monty jack. It was not there. I could not find it and I started to panic. Oh my gosh, how am I going to make dinner? I don't want to stop at ghetto Frys. I'd have to go home and then back out with the kids and it's 1000 degrees of nasty outside. What the frick am I gonna' do?! I gathered my wits about me and looked one last time but knew that my cheese-y-word-search-like skills had not failed me. And.then.I.saw.more.cheese. What? More cheese? How can this be? Cheese comes in cute little packages of a rectangular shape and you can actually shape, cut or grate the cheese in any which way you choose. No! Way! I remember cheese like this from the olden days when my mother slaved over her handheld grater and picked it up with her bare hands to place it on a casserole. Those were the days.

Cheese-y story short, I am so stupid. Did I actually forget that not all cheese is pre-shredded and fancy? Have I somehow gotten myself in a cheese-only-comes-in-a-bag mind meld? Or, could it be that all of the choices that we have today are making us stupid? Because...I think, uh, we are, stupid I mean. Uh-duh!

A New Crew Member?

What? What's that? Ryan's joined the crew of Jesse's Landscaping, you say? No way! No way is right! It's worse, that would make him sane. A job is job, right? No, no, he has now taken to flagging down innocent landscapers and begging them for their grass clippings and other organic goods that they have nicely loaded into the back of their trucks. He slyly gets them to follow him home as he trots next to their trucks and then then quickly pounces onto the truck, garden fork in hand and steals their goods. Poor spanish speaking guys never knew what hit them, or that this handsome spanish speaking fly-for-a-white-guy could be so persuasive. Frankly, I think they took pity on him because clearly, he is insane. And one should never be mean to someone without all their wits about them. Ah, well. Let's hope Ryan sticks to poor unassuming landscapers and stays out of landfills. Seriously, fingers crossed guys, or someday I could be sending my boys off, gloves in hand, to help out their compost crazed father at the landfill!

In Honor of Earth Day

...Because we should all respect the earth at least one day out of the year right?! Alright, so here goes my attempt to explain the April Lady way of non-disgusting compost in a way that doesn't make you feel like an idiot.

Step 1 Purchase a good small trash can (the ones that have a good seal, so as not to let your house stink like rot after weeks of compost not being taken out, even though your husband swears that he just did it and argues with you about reasons why it would just be easier if you did it anyway) and place it on your kitchen counter. So far, it's easy right?

Step 2 Make dinners from scratch using lots of fresh veggies. Be sure to check your recipe first to see if you have all of the necessary ingredients. This is very important or you could end up on the floor of your kitchen crying. Trust me! Anyway, peel, cut and place all veggie waste into the trash can. (Leave cutting board on counter for several days until you decide to cook with veggies again, then wash it.)

Step 3 After using paper goods, such as paper plates, tissues, toilet paper, napkins, paper towels, even pizza boxes, place them in the trash can as well (you can also compost items that are 100% cotton). Leave the pizza box on top of the trash can until your husband takes it outside to the real compost. Fight about it for several days while feeling overworked, unappreciated and generally irritable. Irritation Pointer... If you are upset with your husband blatantly throw something in the trash that is compostable while he is watching. Make a nasty face like a five year old and stomp away. Opposite Irritation Pointer...if you are annoyed with your wife, simply flig your soiled tissues of q-tips directly out the bathrrom window into the garden. That way your wife can pick lettuce for dinner next to ear gooped q-tips.

Step 4 Have the responsible party empty the compost into the main compost pile in the backyard. Begin with a composter from the city (free of charge), then upgrade to a hand-me-down from family, when there is no room just begin throwing your compostable "stuff" directly onto the ground. This way you won't have to walk the extra 10 steps to put it into the free or hand-me-down compost. Live this way (you know with a designated rotting pile of garbage on the back corner of your home, until you have a mobile baby; then create your own with chicken wire and poles to keep the baby from eating rotten fruit with grubs nearby.

Free of charge hand-me-down homemade

Step 5 Care for your compost pile by watering it on occasion. Take the kiddies out to watch the humming birds eat the bugs hovering over it. Place all garden clippings on compost pile as well. Turn compost around on occasion with a shovel.

Step 6 When compost is ready it will be a dark brownish/black color. Use the compost in the garden that you will painstakingly create and then later ignore while weeds run rampant until you start all over again.

Happy Composting! April

Food Storage for Dummies

Step 1 Marry a Sauer
Step 2 Tell your Sauer spouse that strawberries are on sale at Frys 10 for $10
Step 3 Send Sauer spouse to Frys to "pick up a few things"
Step 4 Help Sauer Spouse unload 3 full flats (24 containers) of strawberries into the kitchen
Step 5 spend the entire next day lalening, cutting, bagging and freezing strawberries, while simultaneously breaking child labor laws to train up the next generation of Sauer spouses

Best of luck! Hurry there is still one Sauer available - he's great with children and he's a looker!